If I were a non-Christian and I wanted to start a new, quick and profitable business tomorrow, it would be a Word of Faith/Seeker church. There are so many pros! (I'll deal with the cons later.) I guarantee you this business would be recession proof. Any takers? What about you? Do you want to start one too? All it takes is a little effort and desire to become rich and famous over night. No experience required. No selling toothpaste to your friends. No inventories. Just a little elbow grease and you're up and running, strait from your car, living room or garage.
And most important: NO TAXES!!! Just be sure to get that non-profit status ASAP. Who wouldn't want a business that didn't have to pay taxes?
Okay, let me show you how I'd do it.
"But," you say, "If you weren't a Christian, why would you start a church?"
I'd say, "Most of these men aren't Christians either, so what's the difference?"
I'm sure within one year I'd be able to quit my full-time job and pimp, I mean preach, full time. Don't you agree.
Let me show you how I'd do it. First, I'd rent a shack somewhere and put up REVIVAL FIRE signs all over town. That always works to get the ball rolling. Or, if I knew a lot disgruntled Christians, I'd start the thing in my living room. You can choose which option works best for you. Also, I'd be sure to watch Christian TV a lot to get the jargon down pat.
Second, I'd call myself Prophet or Apostle so and so. People respond to fake authority such as this.
Once I get a crowd, I'd get everyone whipped up in a frenzy and do the healing thing. I'd get someone to testify that they feel better, etc. I'd specialize in phychosymatic healings that can not be documented. That's the way the big-timers do it. I'd burn a lot of Cd's of my best messages and sell them like crazy.
Now that I have a reputation as a man of power and miracles, I'd lay the tithing law down heavy on my followers. Yep, the one in Malachi about people being under a curse if they don't pay tithes off their gross income. That's the fastest way to start you cashflow. Don't forget to mention special offerings and gifts to yourself as their Spiritual Covering. Not only will your church budget explode, so will your own personal bank account.
What a business!
"But," you protest, "Shouldn't a preacher know the Word of God and have a college degree?"
I'd say, "Yes he should. But WOF/Seeker guys only use the Word to support their false teachings."
I'd recommend memorizing prosperity and healing passages only. Hey, just make up stuff, allegorize, twist and spiritualize the rest of the bible. People in this type of church will never know the difference. I'd talk about myself a lot, my embellishments, I mean, accomplishments and tell everyone what a great guy I am. By now, they're all mesmerized and believe every word I say. I'd be sure to talk about money all the time, especially the seed-faith doctrine. (BTW: This doctrine only works for those who teach it.)
The meat of my message would be the carrot-on-a-stick approach. Keep the flock busy running around so much that they won't have time to think for themselves. I'd preach guilt-laden messages to keep them burdened down with false guilt and shame. I'd never preach on grace! Never! I'd talk about the gospel sometimes, but I wouldn't preach it. (They might get saved and leave.) I'd mostly preach man-centered messages, and brag a lot. I'd be sure to bash other nonspiritual churches and label them as dead, dry or sinful.
I'd be sure to cast a vision of my new business, I mean church. No, this isn't biblical, but who cares. I'm in charge and if they don't like it, they can get out! They're taking up someone else's seat and parking spot anyhow. And they probably don't tithe either.
When casting a vision, make it so big that their mind will be blown by the magnitude of your imagination, I mean vision from God. The bigger, the better. Trust me on this one.
Now that my pyramid business is growing, I'd start satellite campuses and get a nice cut off these franchises. I'd be sure to make my brand very alluring. Just like the big boys.
Now that I'm on TV and travelling around the world, I'd get my idiots to buy me a personal jet. You wouldn't expect me to travel with the common folk, right?
By now, I have mansions, nice cars, a large bank account. What a plan. Look at all the pros.
Now the real questions is this: Do you see the cons? There everywhere.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS MEANT FOR SATIRACAL PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. IT JUST MAY WORK.